


the beauty of a secret (you have to keep it)

by a_sentimental_man



Series: HP one-shots [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Sirius Black, POV Remus Lupin, Remus's supportive parents, Slow Burn, this is really soft and so self-indulgent, yes i know christmas is months away leave me alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25053490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_sentimental_man/pseuds/a_sentimental_man
Summary: When Remus asked Sirius to be his fake-date for them to visit his parents for the Christmas holidays, he hadn't expected it to go that well, not really. No one, least of allRemus,could have predicted how rapidly it deteriorated, especially with his long-hidden feelings that were too close to the surface.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: HP one-shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1475444
Comments: 30
Kudos: 178
Collections: RS Fix It Fest 2020





	the beauty of a secret (you have to keep it)

“You want me to _what?_ ” Remus knew this was an insane idea, and the look on Sirius's face wasn't helping any. 

“Pretend to be my boyfriend,” Remus said desperately, his face imploring. His parents' hints about him getting a partner had been getting increasingly worse every time he called them, and he was hoping that telling them he was dating Sirius would get them off his back. If they _believed_ Sirius was his boyfriend, that was. "My parents want me to bring someone for Christmas, and since you're coming anyway… please?"

“You know how these movies all end, right?” Sirius asked, finally relaxing from his defensive posture and something like amusement entered his eyes. “Either we find out that both of us were already in love with each other, or we never talk again.”

 _Would the first one be so bad?_ Remus almost asked, before checking himself and smiling, a bit bittersweet around the edges. “Safe to say, _none_ of that is very likely to happen.” _On_ your _side, anyway._ "And anyway, you'll be trying out something new, for once. Imagine the opportunities for pranks, Sirius," Sirius smiled back at him, his eyes finally, _finally_ alight with the mischief of a prank well done.

* * *

Remus, when he told James, nearly had to hang up after James fell into full-blown belly laughter after he explained the entire situation. 

"Easy for you to laugh," he said crossly. "You're already in a relationship - with his _brother,_ I might add." That shut him up for a bit. Though Sirius usually tolerated - and even encouraged - literally everything James did, he was insanely protective of his younger sibling; a lifetime of protecting his brother from their parents didn't wear off when they were adults, Regulus had found out, much to his irritation. 

"We aren't in a _relationship,_ " James whined, the subject of Sirius and Remus forgotten for now. "We just went on a few dates, and enjoyed each other's company, that's all."

"Which means you're going to go on more dates and be in a relationship eventually," Remus pointed out reasonably. James groaned, muttering something like, _why is it always me,_ under his breath. "You need to tell Sirius eventually, or he'll be mad you _didn't_ tell him, you know that."

"Fuck. You're right."

"I'm the only one with brain cells in this group, James. Of _course,_ I'm right."

James huffed out a long breath of hair, amused. " _Of course you are,_ " he mimicked. "Don't think I forgot about you asking Sirius to fake date you when you have the most obvious, biggest crush on him I've ever seen. You're lucky he's oblivious."

And he hung up before Remus could retort. 

His friends were _terrible._

Remus, Sirius, and James had been friends since the First Year of university. Remus, despite his parents' insistence that he do something that would _actually make money,_ had insisted on taking a literature degree until his parents had finally caved and said yes. They had all become fast friends after Sirius had taken a class for extra credit and spent the entire time he had been sitting next to Remus, ranting about how Oscar Wide was gay and how it was _extremely unfair that he got imprisoned for that, Remus_. 

The first thing Remus had noticed about Sirius was his eyes. They were gray - the cloudy warmth of a rainy sky with none of the menace lurking within. His brown hair was tied in a loose bun at the junction between his neck and head and seemed in danger of coming apart at any moment. Remus wanted nothing more than to reach out and tug it back into an _actual_ bun - how did Sirius not know how to tie a bun, anyway? His face was angular - almost as if someone had taken a paintbrush and painted out the perfect guy for Remus - face, personality, all of it. 

Remus hadn't fallen in love then, not exactly. But he _had_ come close, a small, tiny ember in his heart that was sure to grow at a rapid intensity until he couldn't imagine himself _not_ being in love, not really.

He had met James and Regulus - Sirius's brother - later.

Remus had always been quiet and called “unsociable” so many times that he has forgotten how it felt like to have friends, for people to understand that he was more than someone to kick around in the playground or copy his homework. 

His parents, when it became too much - he was _eleven_ when he came home with a broken nose when he refused to let them copy his homework, trying to do what his mom had told him and fight _back_ \- had taken him out of school and had homeschooled him. It had been an endless cycle of tutors ever since. 

(Every time he looked at his parents, he could see their concern for him, the concern that he would never make any friends, as smart as he was. 

Being smart was great. But sometimes - the smartness didn’t matter at all if you didn’t have friends to temper it, and Remus's parents were all too aware of that fact.) 

He didn’t ask Sirius out when he had the chance because of that - his friendships were too fragile, too _new_ for him to break, especially when the only other friend he had outside of James’ group - and it was _James’_ group - was Lily Evans, who he’d met at the library. 

(To literally no one’s surprise.)

And when he’d gotten to _know_ Sirius, all of him, how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, how he threw back his head when he laughed, how he swiped roughly at his eyes when he cried - he knew it was too late, now. 

Friends make the best partners. But they also might end up breaking up their friendship, and Remus _knew_ he couldn’t bear that. 

At least, that’s what Remus kept repeating to himself every time he caught himself looking at Sirius, James’ sometimes knowing, sometimes exasperated look following him every time. 

"You look like you're about to do some _serious_ damage to that phone," Sirius mocked, wandering into their living room. Sirius's Uncle Alphard - _the only relative I like, apart from Andromeda and Narcissa, of course -_ had bought him a large flat after Sirius and Regulus had decided to leave their family for good. Sirius, not knowing what to do with the too-large flat that contained only him and his brother, had worn Remus and James down until they had agreed to move in with him. Now, Remus exhaled a breath that was a cross between a frustrated sigh and a laugh. "Fun talk with James, I take it?"

Remus blinked, startled. "How do you know?" he asked, putting the phone back into his pocket, as Sirius laid down on the couch beside him, head on Remus's shoulder. It had taken a while to get used to Sirius's occasional touches; he was a _very_ touchy person, which Remus really hadn't anticipated. Sometimes Remus felt guilty about that - he was certain that if Sirius _knew_ what he was feeling - 

He shook away his self-deprecating thoughts as Sirius cleared his throat pointedly. "You always have this -" Sirius turned his body towards him in difficulty. Remus was sure his heart was going to veritably jump out of his chest somehow. Sirius then did a poor imitation of Remus's exasperated face, his nose scrunched up adorably. " _This_ face whenever you talk to someone you like but still want to be mad at them." 

Remus rolled his eyes, trying in vain to conceal how touched he felt at Sirius _noticing_ something as trivial as that. "I _don't_ make that face," he said, just for the sake of it. 

" _Sure,_ you don't," Sirius said, settling back into Remus's shoulder and turning on the TV. For a while, it was just Sirius mechanically scrolling through Netflix looking for something to watch, until he finally settled on watching _Half Of It_ for perhaps the tenth time. " _Hey,_ you _like_ the philosophical conversations, just admit it," Sirius said, at Remus's no doubt judging expression. Remus’ only reply was a hum as he knew he couldn't really say anything otherwise.

They both lapsed into a comfortable silence, letting the movie wash over them as they did. 

"So..." Sirius said, a note of expectation in his voice. Remus, who had almost fallen asleep on the couch, blinked blearily at him. "About this fake dating thing."

 _Gravity is matter's response to loneliness,_ he could hear Ellie saying to Aster on the TV, though it all sounded far away. He sometimes felt like that around Sirius; that Sirius was his _gravity,_ always with him no matter what. 

"Do you think we need to kiss?" Sirius's voice sounded as if it was trying hard to stay casual. Remus choked on air, not having expected _that._ Sirius turned and smiled at him, a quick flash of teeth that had Remus calming down despite himself. 

"Not particularly… I don't _think,_ " Remus replied, trying hard to keep his voice even. 

"It's just that… Well. It'll be awkward if we don't kiss at least _once_ in front of your parents. And I don't really want our first kiss to be in front of your parents," the last words were said in such a rush that Remus had to blink twice to understand him. Sirius didn't mean… did he? He shook those thoughts away. 

Besides, Sirius _did_ have a point. 

"Not like kissing me is a _triaal,_ " Sirius whined, and Remus couldn't help it; he smiled. 

"Of _course_ it's not," Remus said, standing up from the couch, nearly dislodging Sirius in the process, who said an indignant " _Oi!_ " in response. "I wouldn't expect our epic bromance to be shaken at all, really." He had borrowed James's words; he wasn't sure he could really use _his_ words without giving himself away more than he already had. 

Sirius blinked slowly. Once, then twice. On the screen, Ellie had come to Paul's football match and was cheering him on. "You know that'll never happen," he said. Softly. "You're my _best friend,_ Remus."

Remus smiled back. "Here goes nothing, then," he replied, awkwardly navigating himself so he was facing Sirius. He closed his eyes, and leaned in - 

"Nope, absolutely not," Sirius said, and Remus opened his eyes, startled and a little hurt. Sirius, noticing his expression, winced and added: "I didn't mean it like that - if we're going to kiss, we're going to do it _properly._ "

"And how exactly are we going to do that?" Remus asked, heart pounding. Sirius stood up, and Remus had never felt their height difference more acutely than he did now, with Sirius looming over him, but not threatening; never threatening. Sirius bent down and dragged Remus up, eyes mischievous. "Like this," Sirius said, and Remus was about to ask what _exactly_ was like this when Sirius took Remus's face in his hands and kissed him. 

It took a moment for Remus to kiss back, his heart beating an incessant cry of _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius._ He _wanted,_ so badly, to deepen the kiss, to make it into something more than chapped lips and the smell of Sirius's aftershave. He wanted to _taste_ him and tell him that he had asked Sirius for a reason, that Sirius had been the one all along. 

The kiss wasn’t awkward; far from it. It was more of both of them just smiling into it until they didn’t, something that got more and more heated the longer it continued. 

It was Sirius who finally pulled away, a self-satisfied grin on his face as he did. "Not bad, eh?" Sirius muttered, his face flushed. Remus felt certain that his face was the same. 

"Not bad at all," Remus replied, a smile coming, unbidden, to his lips. Sirius smiled back, his grin replaced into something softer and gentler. 

On the TV, Ellie was urging Aster not to marry Trig, when she was clearly in love with someone else. Remus wished his love was so transparent, that he could scream it from the rooftops, or at least, tell it to the person who really mattered.

He had always been a coward. 

* * *

Things were… awkward for a while between the both of them after their kiss, and Remus knew he had no-one to blame but himself and his paranoid thoughts. That his feelings were somehow visible to Sirius after they had kissed, that Sirius didn't know how to respond. 

It had taken Sirius, who had finally gotten tired of Remus's quiet disposition, had bodily dragged him to their couch and had said, firmly, "It's not the end of the world, Remus. We kissed, and you feel like we're going to mess up our friendship because of that. No, we're _not._ Now watch this TV show with me."

And Remus did. 

That day, Remus finally called his parents to tell them that he was bringing Sirius with him, two days before the 24th. 

"But we already know that," his mom said, sounding exasperated. "We wanted you to bring a _date,_ Remus."

Across from him, Sirius shot him a thumbs up before escaping to his room, mouthing, _Sorry, got to study,_ along the way. Remus, who knew that Sirius had never studied a day in his life, merely sighed wearily. 

"That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” Remus replied, imagining his mother’s eyebrows rising higher and higher. “ _Sirius_ is my date.” 

“Oh that’s _wonderful,”_ his mother said, without missing a beat. Remus was genuinely surprised to find that she didn’t sound sarcastic at all. “Erik!” she called out, making Remus want to sink through the floor in embarrassment. 

“What is it, dear?” his father said back, and this was _great_ , Remus really wanted both his parents to call him out on his lie. 

“Remus is bringing Sirius for Christmas! As his date!” she added. 

“Fin _ally,”_ his dad replied vehemently, sounding nearer than he had been before. Remus blinked, startled. His feelings hadn’t been that apparent, had they? “The way that boy was looking at you the last time I saw you with him…” 

Remus almost spluttered. He tried valiantly to figure out what to say - his parents thought they were dating, so he couldn't just _say_ they were wrong and Sirius didn't like him romantically at all. His parents took his silence for embarrassment and swiftly changed the subject, which Remus was _very_ thankful for. 

"You and your motley gang are coming on the day after tomorrow, yeah?" his dad checked. Remus rolled his eyes fondly; his father had asked the same questions _many_ times before, without fail, as if checking that he was actually going to come home and not be a university recluse forever. His Mum as the same. Remus felt certain that this was a byproduct of him being in their sight for so long; even three hours of distance couldn't make up for that. 

"We aren't anything motley, dad," Remus replied, exasperated. "Much less a _gang._ "

He could practically _feel_ his dad shrugging his shoulders. "Just checking. It's been a while since I've gone to university, you know."

"It's been thirty years, I don't think that was _that_ long ago -"

"I'll have you know it was _twenty-five years_ ago. Youth these days..."

"Once you've decided to stop bantering," his mother interrupted the both of them, the amused fondness in her face all too easy to imagine. For a moment, Remus missed both of them with a sharp intensity. 

He couldn't wait to be home. 

(He hoped, too, somehow, that _home_ would help him make sense of his feelings. But that was also where he was the most unguarded; Remus figured he had a 50-50 chance of inadvertently blurting out his feelings and destroying his friendship with Sirius for good.

He had always tried very hard to ignore that fact.) 

The flat was eerily quiet after his parents finally hung up. Remus frowned to himself; he knew Regulus was out with his friends - _Sirius was pretty surprised he had any,_ Remus thought with a slight smile - but Sirius always made noise enough for two people.

Concerned, he walked swiftly over to Sirius's door and knocked softly. "Sirius?" he called when there was no answer. Then, a louder: _"Sirius, this isn't funny-"_ that got more and more panicked as there was no answer. 

_Here goes nothing,_ Remus thought, wrenching the door open. What greeted him was an unexpected sight. Sirius, who was usually hyper-active, _especially_ during the day, was fast asleep on his bed, the bedsheets piled upon him making him look younger than he was. Remus felt his heart expand and went to close the door when Sirius opened his eyes and blinked blearily at him, his long lashes making him look like something ethereal, even on the brink of sleep. 

"Re-Remus?" he managed, groggily. "Whatsit?" 

"Nothing, Sirius," Remus smiled, a thousand other words on the tip of his tongue, _you're beautiful_ on the forefront. "Go back to sleep."

Almost as if he was waiting for permission, Sirius lay his head on the pillow and went back to sleep, swaddled in his bedsheets like a baby. Remus did not understand how someone who absolutely reveled in the cold like Sirius could sleep with so many blankets, but that was one of his _many_ oddities that Remus couldn't help but grow fond of, bit by bit. 

Then, unable to help himself, he crossed over to Sirius's bed, and took a look at him; his eyes fluttering in his sleep, the deep, even breaths of someone who was always restless unless in sleep. Then, featherlight, he pressed a kiss to Sirius's forehead, unable to believe that he was allowing himself to have this- that he _could_ have this. "Goodnight, Sirius," he whispered, before leaving his room, closing the door softly behind him. 

* * *

The day when they left the flat was as eventful as Remus expected it to be. With Sirius and Regulus, he really hadn't expected anything less. He pinched the bridge of his nose as the noises of Regulus and Sirius arguing in the backseat had gotten louder and louder - he had adamantly refused to let Sirius be shotgun; the last time he had, it had not been pretty. 

“Give me the cord, Sirius," Regulus complained petulantly. 

Remus could hear Sirius snorting. “Yeah of course I will," he said. “And let you listen to your depressing emo music? Nope."

“For the last time, Sirius, Arctic Monkeys are not emo - "

“I see no difference."

“Well, that's your problem now, isn't it?" Regulus retorted. “And besides, if I let you have it, you'll just play Despacito for the rest of the ride." Remus personally agreed with Regulus - him playing Arctic Monkeys was nowhere near as annoying as Sirius singing along with Despacito in a high pitched voice as if he had nothing else to do. Remus _liked_ the Arctic Monkeys, and Sirius did too, no matter how many times he complained about his brother's music taste. And only Remus's unfortunate infatuation with Sirius prevented him from throttling Sirius every time he played _that song_. Regulus always had no such qualms. As if on cue, both brothers turned towards him from the back seat and aimed a look at him which he vehemently ignored, the road providing him a convenient excuse. 

“Remuuuuus," Sirius said pleadingly. Remus rolled his eyes and didn't take his eyes off the road. “What is it, Sirius?" he asked, knowing all too well what _exactly_ he was going to ask. Sirius knew too if his huff of laughter was any indication. 

“Tell Regulus I should be in charge of the music."

And despite everything, Remus laughed. “I'm afraid I can't do that, Sirius."

Sirius gasped. “Betrayal! From my own boy—fake boyfriend too!!"

“Stop being so over-dramatic," Remus said, ignoring Regulus's look this time, which had become even more intense as he glanced between both Sirius and Remus with a puzzled expression on his face. Sirius, noticing his expression and realizing what exactly he had said out-loud, flushed. Remus wasn't any better, the color high in his cheeks. 

“Fake... boyfriend?" Regulus said slowly. Disbelievingly. 

“Yes," Remus replied, trying to keep his voice even as he accelerated past a car. He was lucky that this was nearly abandoned countryside; if he was in London, a policeman would have arrested him for speeding. Remus refused to acknowledge he was flustered. Not at all. “My parents' have been pressuring me to bring a date every time we talk and... well."

“I was conveniently single, of course," Sirius said, apparently recovering from his embarrassment, his usual humor in place. “Can't leave poor Moony alone and dateless."

 _Moony_. Only James and Sirius ever called him that. 

“So you two are fake-dating?" Regulus interrupted him before he could get wrapped up in his entirely too soppy thoughts. The aux cable lay forgotten in Sirius's hands as Regulus turned his measuring gaze onto Sirius, who, to Remus's surprise, looked flustered. He and Regulus exchanged what seemed to be heated words which Remus tried really hard to not eavesdrop on, words like _in love_ and—Remus shook his head, eyes fixed tightly on the road, his knuckles white with the effort to reign his emotions in. Their discussion only ended after Regulus snatched the cable from Sirius's hand and plugged his phone in triumphantly, Sirius sulking in the corner, apparently deep in thought. 

Remus caught Sirius's eyes in the mirror, and smiled, trying hard to not think about what he had overheard. _It's none of my business_ , he said firmly to himself, though he couldn't help but grin for reasons he was afraid to admit. 

Sirius, who had been staring broodingly at the road, smiled back, his face lighting up, gray eyes shining in the deepening evening light. At this rate, they would be at the Lupins’ in time for dinner.

Regulus snorted at a text that someone had sent him, a look of unmistakable fondness in his face. Remus had an inkling to who it was, and Sirius, from his curious face in the rearview mirror, did _not._

Remus had enough time to make eye contact with Regulus and mouth _Sirius_ at him before Sirius forcefully yanked the phone from his brother’s hand, his expression curious and eager. 

He saw the glee on Sirius’s face quickly fading as he looked at who, exactly, had sent the message. Looking at Regulus’s flustered face, which was still batting ineffectually at Sirius to get his phone back, the text was probably something _very_ incriminating. 

"You're dating _James?_ " Sirius accused, looking surprised and more than a little hurt. Regulus, seeing Sirius's reaction, winced, and it took extreme self-control on Remus's part to not do the same. "Why didn't you _tell me?"_

"We're not _dating,_ Sirius," Regulus said, finally snatching his phone away from Sirius's slack hands. "We went on _one_ date, and just want to see where it goes from now on."

"And when exactly were you two going to tell me?" Sirius asked, looking less hurt and more amused now. Remus breathed out a quick sigh of relief—both for not having to see Sirius explode into a fit of rage and the fact that the road was abandoned so he could observe the conversation going on behind him without fear of crashing Sirius's car. 

"Do you really think we came even close to discussing that?" Regulus retorted, trying, and failing to sound like he was _not_ lying. At Sirius's raised eyebrow, he added: "...After a month more, at _least."_

"And what exac—"

"Did you do to deserve it? Oh, remember when I dated Anthony? You kept threatening him until he left."

"Or when Regulus tried to bring Evan inside the flat and you refused to let him in?" Remus added, unable to help himself. Sirius shot a betrayed glare his way, while Regulus looked relieved that he wasn't overreacting. 

Remus knew all too well that when it concerned Sirius, you were _never_ overreacting.

"I'm just saying—if your boyfriends can't handle _me,_ do you really want to keep dating them? I was doing you a favor, actually." Sirius shrugged, managing to sound reasonable and self-assured all at the same time. Regulus met Sirius's eyes and shrugged. 

"I suppose you make _some_ sort of sense," he relented. 

"Good. Now, when can we meet this… _James,_ of yours?"

"He's your _best friend,_ you absolute wanker—"

"I'm just saying..."

And they were off again. Remus sighed as he drove on, _Why'd you only call me when you're high_ blasting through the speakers and making him regret this whole endeavor a little less. 

* * *

"Remus dear, we're _so_ glad to have you back home," Hope Lupin gushed as soon as they stepped out of the car three hours later, throwing her arms around Remus. She was tall, even taller than Remus, and Remus smiled as he leaned into it. His grin became broader as he saw his father waving from the doorstep. His mother finally let go of him to give the same treatment to Sirius and Regulus, both of whom looked surprised before finally hugging her back. Remus couldn't contain his soft smile at the sight of them, flushing and looking away when his dad aimed a knowing smirk at him. 

"I hope you aren't cold?" his mother continued, ushering them all in, closing the door firmly behind her as if she could prevent them from being cold merely from the force of it. Remus wasn't aware he was smiling until Sirius looked back at him, grinning, and Remus just felt his grin widen. Regulus looked between them and snorted, and Remus had to valiantly avoid blushing, knowing that anyone who _knew_ him could read the feelings that were written all too clearly across his face. 

"You three must be tired," his dad commented sometime later after they had settled down in the living room following an eventful dinner, Remus taking his favorite place on the sofa near the fireplace, Sirius stretched out beside him, head on his shoulder as they were used to doing at their—at _Sirius's_ flat. 

Remus gave a half shrug, careful not to jostle Sirius, who looked as if he was halfway into sleeping, already. His father took one look at Sirius and exchanged a knowing look with his mother. Remus decided not to comment. 

"I guess," he muttered, the same time as Regulus heaved a giant yawn, though apparently still intent on looking at his phone with a half-smile on his face. 

"I'll show you to your rooms," his dad stood up, barely restraining a laugh. Remus made to follow, gently disentangling himself from Sirius's hold and waking him up. "What is it?" he asked grumpily. 

"They're showing us to our rooms," Remus said, rolling his eyes fondly, dragging Sirius up and hauling him to the staircase, his mother's laughter following them up the staircase. Except after his dad had shown Regulus to the guest room—the guest room that was _only_ for Regulus, and they only had _one guest room—_ Remus had a sneaking suspicion where this was going. 

"I don't think I need to show you where _your_ room is now, do you?" his dad asked, a twinkle in his eyes. Remus sighed once again. Screw _that._ Sirius wasn't going to be the death of him—his parents were. 

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he added, backing away before Remus could do something drastic like strangling him. 

"What did he mean?" Sirius asked, sounding confused and much more awake, now. "We're not—sharing your room?"

"I think we _are,_ " Remus confirmed, looking up at the ceiling and praying for a deity he didn't believe in to take him away from meddling parents. Well, at least Remus's had decided to get a queen-sized bed when they were first decorating it—Remus had never been more grateful for a ten-year-old's decision as he was right now. He absently took Sirius's hand, not noticing the way Sirius's breath hitched at the simple contact and led them farther into the hallway—the guest room was the first one you saw when you ascended the staircase, Remus's room much further away at the end of the hallway. 

He pushed open the door, grimacing at how the door was _still_ too hard to open, something Remus kept meaning to fix but never did. Sirius, beside him, stopped, taking the room in. 

"Before you say anything—" Remus started, not sure how he was going to end the sentence, exactly. 

"Can't believe I'm seeing the room _you_ grew up in," Sirius breathed, something odd in his voice. He didn't understand why Sirius was making such a big deal out of this—even though it was nothing like his room in their flat, there was still everything that made him, _him_ there—all the books he couldn't pack and didn't have time to put at his library tucked into a bookshelf, a desk that took up nearly half the study area positioned in front of a window where he gazed at when he wanted to feel like a pretentious 18th-century poet, and his wardrobe. 

"I didn't know you had an emo phase!" Sirius gasped, looking at the My Chemical Romance and Green Day posters that Remus had _unfortunately_ decided to not remove. 

And _that_ Remus still listened to them from time to time, though not as much as he listened to them when he was an angst-ridden teenager who didn't have any friends. But still. 

"Don't you _dare,_ " Remus said, unable to keep the smile off his face, flushing pink. "I hear punk rock is poised to start a revolution," he added, just to see the look of utter dismay on his best friend's face. 

"Yeah, in two thousand _seven,_ " Sirius said, flinging himself melodramatically into Remus's bed, his drowsiness apparently forgotten. Seeing Sirius sprawled over his bed evoked something visceral in Remus, reminding him uncomfortably of how he had imagined all the _other_ situations where Sirius was sprawled over his bed like that. Remus laughed, trying to dispel those thoughts, crossing over to his bed and nudging him so he could lay down next to him. Sirius's body warmth, alive and warm and _tempting,_ didn't help in the least. 

"...would have expected this of _Regulus,_ " Sirius was saying, apparently still in an impassioned rant about punk rock. Remus smiled, heart filled with so much affection for this one person that he felt he could burst with it. 

"Oh, come on," he replied. "Haven't you ever listened to Green Day? At least _once?_ And I _know_ you like Arctic Monkeys, no matter how much you pretend you don't."

Sirius sighed in a put upon, _I can't believe you, Remus Lupin,_ way. "That isn't the _point._ " 

"And what exactly _is_ the point?" Remus asked, not really expecting an answer. As if on cue, Sirius spluttered, acknowledging that he was being contrary just for the sake of it. Remus remembered thinking, once, that if Sirius wasn't his best friend, he would have ended up being his worst enemy, and he never felt this as accurately as he did now, with this _impossible_ man stretched out next to him, Remus's heart begging for him to kiss him, fuck the consequences. 

(They haven't kissed since the first time. Remus still remembered, how it had felt like he was falling but so _right_.

He was just afraid Sirius didn't think—didn't _feel,_ the same.)

Sirius, for once, was silent beside him, only his quick breathing alerting Remus that he wasn't asleep, not yet. He was gazing up at the ceiling, deep in thought. Remus couldn't help but look at him in surprise; the Sirius he knew was a ball of energy except when he slept; the thoughtful moods were few and far between. 

"You know," Sirius said, abruptly. Quietly. "I really thought it would be harder to pretend we're dating." 

Remus hesitated. He didn't know why, but this moment felt fragile as if one wrong word would break it in half; as if one wrong word would shatter them both to pieces. "Me too," he confessed, words feeling as if they were ripped out of his mouth. Sirius looked at him and smiled sideways, something unreadable in his gaze. "Me too," he echoed. Remus smiled back, helpless, unable to know what else to do, what else he _wanted_ to do. This moment felt _fragile,_ and Remus never wanted it to end. 

Something in Remus's eyes must have given him away because Sirius hesitated for a moment, then leaned in, never breaking eye contact with him. Remus held his breath as Sirius reached out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, his touch impossibly gentle. "It was in the way," Sirius said, abruptly releasing his hold on Remus's hair as if he was burned. Then, standing up and missing the disappointed look on Remus's face, he said: "I think we should get ready for bed."

"Yeah, of course," Remus said, feeling almost disoriented by his rush of emotions. "I'll show you the way to the bathroom." 

Sirius nodded, seemingly intent on looking everywhere _but_ at Remus, heading towards the door hurriedly. Remus exhaled a slow, even breath, and stood up. Then, unable to handle the tension any longer: "I get that it's hard for you." 

Sirius stopped with his hand on the doorknob. 

"It's hard for me _too,_ you know," he continued. "I can't help thinking about what you said, about our friendship disappearing or _something—_ and I don't think I thought it through and it's awkward because I _made_ it awkward just because I wanted my parents to think I was _doing_ something with my life—"

"Remus," Sirius interrupted him before he could ramble on and make an embarrassment of himself further. He turned fully around, strode over to where he was standing and wrapped Remus in a hug, strong arms that Remus loved to melt against. It was in these moments that Remus felt as if he had known him for _much_ longer than the two years they had both been at university, both of them understanding what each other needed perfectly. Remus had never believed in soulmates, but sometimes he wished they _did_ exist, a tangible mark that told him what to do and what destiny was. 

But he didn't believe in soulmates, and soulmates didn’t exist, so he had to make do with loving Sirius with all his might, an ache that never went away no matter how hard he tried to dispel it. 

"Hey," Sirius said, his voice coming out muffled with how his face was buried in Remus's hair. "We don't have to do _anything_ you're uncomfortable with, okay? Just say the word and we'll call this whole thing off and tell your parents it's a joke or something."

Remus shook his head quickly. "Might as well get it over with," he managed. 

"Try not to make it sound like a _trial,_ now, will you?" Sirius chuckled, not sounding as annoyed as he had the right to be.

Remus owed him the truth for this, at least. "Spending time with you isn't a _trial,_ Sirius, get that out of your head."

"Good," Sirius breathed. "Because you're not going to get rid of me that easily." They were still hugging, though it was less urgent and more hugging for the _sake of it,_ now. " _Good,_ " Remus breathed, clutching Sirius a bit tighter, for a moment. Then, Remus reluctantly had to pull away when Sirius edged out of it slowly. 

"Let's make a deal, yeah?" Sirius asked, as soon as they had extricated themselves, Remus almost backing away as he saw the look in Sirius's eyes. That glint in Sirius's eyes was never a good thing, _especially_ when it concerned Remus.

"What kind of deal, exactly?" Remus said, dreading the answer, yet knowing that he couldn't deny Sirius anything. 

Sirius grinned, again, that unreadable _something_ in his eyes. "What if we make a deal to _not_ fall in love with each other or do anything to harm our friendship? I think we can do that, at least."

Remus's heart skipped a beat. _It's not like I can fall in love all over_ again, he thought wirily. "I thought that _was_ a given in this whole pretend-to-date thing."

"Makes it all the more official, doesn't it?"

"It's a deal then, I guess," Remus finally said, wondering how he could have thought of saying anything else without giving anything away. And wasn't this what people in love did? Hide their feelings so the person they were in love with would be better off? 

(It wasn't as if Sirius returned his feelings anyway, _that moment_ be damned.) 

* * *

It was when Remus woke up, Sirius clinging to him like a particularly affectionate koala, that Remus realized the true enormity of what he had agreed to. Sharing Remus's bed had been surprisingly easy after their conversation, both of them laughing uncontrollably as they tried to figure out who took which side, Sirius eventually deciding on the side closest to the wall at Remus's insistence that _you're the guest and you should choose, Sirius._ They had slept back to back, Remus, closing his eyes and trying to ignore Sirius's tempting body warmth that made him want to throw his arms around Sirius and blame it all on the weather. Remus didn't know how Sirius had ended up cuddled up next to him with no intention of letting go anytime soon. 

He had to resist from groaning as the events of last night came crashing down on him. He had agreed to _not fall in love with Sirius_ when loving Sirius was as part of him as breathing. It had been a reasonable thing to agree to in the dead of the night when he had thought he couldn't fall in love with him _again,_ but with the sunlight leaking through the half-closed curtains, illuminating Remus's bad decisions in its cheerful glow, Remus had the morbid thought that he would end up fucking up their _deal_ sooner rather than later. 

Sirius stirred beside him, his arms finally relaxing and allowing Sirius to breathe. His hair, usually done in a messy bun at the top of his head, was loose and that, combining with his bleary, sleep mussed eyes giving him an almost vulnerable look. Remus looked away. 

"What time is it?" Sirius asked, or Remus _thought_ he asked; what came out would have sounded incoherent for those who didn't really _know_ him as well as he did. 

"I don't… know, actually," Remus admitted, realizing belatedly that his phone was on his desk, out of reach unless he wanted to disturb Sirius, which he really didn't want to do. Sirius just huffed, burrowing deeper into the covers, taking Remus with him. "Then it's too early to get up," Sirius said, voice muffled. 

Remus exhaled a fond laugh. "I _really_ think we should get up, Sirius."

"We're on _vacation,_ " Sirius protested, though he _did_ drag himself out of the bed. Which didn't help matters for Remus in the least; while before, Sirius had been cuddled up next to him, which wasn't actually _helping_ Remus, but was still better than _this—_ Sirius was now on top of him, his gray, stormy eyes locked on to Remus's for one long, awkward moment. Sirius, belatedly realizing their precarious position, cleared his throat, his blush all too visible on his pale skin. 

"We made a deal, didn't we?" Sirius managed, looking away. Remus, heart almost in his throat, managed to nod, though he knew Sirius couldn't see. Sirius disentangled himself from Remus and tumbled out of the bed with a muffled curse. 

And, inexplicably, the true humor of their situation soon became visible for the both of them; Sirius, looking disgruntled on the floor, Remus, too surprised to even help him up. They both took one look at each other and started laughing, and Remus felt as if they would never stop, this uncontrollable laughter that nearly had them in hysterics. 

"Oh _god,_ " Sirius finally said, wiping tears from his eyes. "James would have a field day if we told him all this." Remus grimaced, knowing Sirius's thought process all too well to know what was coming. 

"We should call James!" Sirius exclaimed, and _there_ it was. Remus abandoned all hope of going downstairs any time soon, after that. 

"Sirius, it's what, seven in the morning?" Remus replied, snatching his phone from the table. "Is he even awake—"

Sirius shook his head frantically. "Don't you remember?" he said. "James said he was going to India to visit his relatives."

 _Oh._ Remus _had_ forgotten that. Before he had time to feel guilty, Sirius, noticing his expression, said: "Oh don't be like that, Remus, I remembered it _just now._ "

"Fine," Remus smiled, before rolling his eyes and going to Facetime. "This does _not_ mean you're coming back to the bed, by the way." 

"Well fuck you too, Remus," Sirius said, lips twitching, before unceremoniously dropping himself onto the floor. He motioned for Remus to join him, which he grudgingly did. 

" _Jesus,_ " Remus hissed. "This floor is cold."

"Oh I'm sorry, didn't you realize, Mr. I've lived-in-this-house-for-most-of-my-childhood?" Sirius sniped, his words bellied by how he wrapped an arm around Remus to bring Remus closer to him. James, unsurprisingly, picked up the call fairly quickly, raising his eyebrow at the two of them. 

"Well isn't _this_ a cozy picture," he said, laughing. 

"You're one to talk, James," Sirius replied, a manic grin on his face. "When were you going to tell me you were dating my _brother?_ "

At that, Remus and James both groaned. "Regulus told me you would get like this," he grumbled. "And we aren't even _dating,_ yet."

"So you admit you two _are_ going to date?" Remus really had to admire Sirius's persistence. 

_"Fine,"_ James huffed, throwing his arms out exaggeratedly. "I really like your brother and would like to date him, and I hope you're not too mad about us not telling you?" he tried, tone more contrite than before. 

"I'm not _mad,_ exactly," Sirius replied, finally looking less like he wasn't two steps away from doing something impulsive. "I just… why didn't you tell me before?"

James, this time, looked imploringly at Remus, as if to say, _you're the only one who can get through to him. Please?_ Remus really needed to get paid for this whole thing. Then, seeing two expectant glances land on him, he said: "Sirius, James is just saying that you can be a bit… overprotective. And that they aren't actually dating yet so they didn't think there was anything that _needed_ to be said yet. And James, Sirius is kind of disappointed that you didn't tell him what was happening with your life, _especially_ since Regulus is his brother." 

Seeing them both go from surprise to gratification to shame was somehow gratifying for Remus to see. Then, seeing that they looked as if they needed some privacy, he quickly made an excuse about getting ready, grabbed his clothes, and dashed towards the bedroom door, wondering how it was first Sirius doing this, and then _him,_ both for two entirely different reasons. 

(When Remus got back, feeling as if he could _finally_ face the day and ignore his feelings for one more day, it was to find Sirius back on his bed, still talking to James. 

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to _say_ to him, James," Sirius said, his tone edging on desperate. Remus couldn't hear what James's reply was, but he'd heard enough. Remus cleared his throat, causing Sirius to jump, his eyes looking shifty. 

Remus just hoped Sirius hadn't figured out he'd heard the tail end of their conversation.) 

(It wasn't as if Sirius was talking about _him,_ anyway. Or meant it the way Remus hoped it would mean.)

* * *

"You seem to be in a good mood," Regulus commented when they finally went downstairs to have breakfast, an unspoken agreement to not talk about their— _Sirius's—_ phone call with James, between them. Remus had, actually, talked to James after Sirius had gone to get ready, though the only thing that James had said was a simple, _Talk to him, you dumbass. And your deal was bullshit by the way. I_ know _the two of you._

Remus had been forced to admit James was right. 

Now, Sirius just laughed as he sat down on the table that was meant for six people— _too big for three people, and_ definitely _too big for two,_ Remus had thought, once, when he was leaving for university—Remus sitting down next to him; Sirius and Regulus seemed a kind of _light_ to the table—a light that Reus never wanted to be gone. His parents were already seated on the table, and breakfast was laid out. They had all obviously been waiting for them, though his Mum was smiling fondly at them so she couldn’t have been _too_ mad. 

“We were talking to James,” Sirius said casually, and Regulus froze on his way to shoveling baked beans into his plate. Remus had to restrain a snicker. Regulus was _way_ too predictable sometimes. 

Before Sirius could open his mouth to tease Regulus as he looked like he really wanted to do, his mother piped up with, “How’s James, anyway? Remus talks so much about him, I’m surprised I haven’t actually met him yet.” 

“Awww, should I be jealous?" Sirius mocked, looking way too mischievous to truly be concerned. His mother, never one to be outdone, replied with a "don't worry, Sirius, Remus _always_ talked about you," followed by a mischievous grin that Remus had _entirely_ inherited from her. Remus's dad chuckled into his glass of water, looking entirely too commiserating for Remus's comfort. Sirius, meanwhile, looked as if he was a cross between laughing and blushing; Remus didn't have to look at a mirror to know his face was the same. Regulus, the _bastard,_ was laughing loudly, probably as revenge for Sirius's teasing before. 

Remus cleared his throat. " _Anyways,_ " he said pointedly. "James is in India to visit his relatives—it's only been a couple of days since he's landed, I think."

"Yeah," Sirius added, seemingly grateful for the subject change. Seeing his parents' exchanging a look, Remus reached out and took Sirius's hand and squeezed it, smiling when Sirius looked startled for a moment, then smiled. "He was complaining about how most of his relatives said he's grown up."

"Hasn't he though?" His mother raised an eyebrow. 

"Well, he _has—_ he just thinks it's obvious with how he hadn't met them in, what, seven years and all. They also keep asking him when he's going to get married," he added, watching with glee as Regulus choked on his water. 

_"Sirius,"_ Regulus hissed, amidst the muffled laughter of Remus and his parents, and the outright laughter of Sirius. "That's not _funny._ "

"For you, probably not," Sirius returned, reaching for the jam which quickly Regulus snatched away, fuming. Sirius shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said, stealing some of Remus's jam off his plate before he could protest. 

"You two are _disgusting,_ " Regulus grumbled, relinquishing his hold on the jam and going back to his food. Remus really _had_ to agree. 

And as Sirius grinned and looked at Remus with a twinkle in his eyes, Remus couldn't bring himself to regret any of it. Not even how he had asked Sirius to be his fake date, even though he wanted them to be _actual_ dates, something he knew was possibly never going to happen. Not with how Sirius had been the one adamant on their deal, anyway. 

Remus had always thought—he shook his head. Sirius, noticing his mood, raised a concerned eyebrow, and Remus was quick to smile back, though it was a little rough around the edges. Sirius obviously noticed it since the concern didn't abate, but he didn't ask any other questions, for which Remus was beyond grateful . Sirius's hand, which had slipped from Remus's in the commotion, reached out and squeezed his thigh, this time saying, _I got you,_ and, well, Remus was so in love with him he could die. "I'm fine, Sirius," he whispered this time, smile genuinely, _achingly,_ honest. 

"Just checking," Sirius whispered back. 

(Remus had always thought, in his heart, that he and Sirius could actually _be_ something—both of them realizing they were in love with each other like those movies Sirius pretended he hated but absolutely loved. To know that Sirius didn't _want_ that—didn't want that with him was something he refused to think about, in case Remus does something drastic like kiss him or punch him, Remus wasn't sure.) 

* * *

As if acknowledging Remus's less than cheerful mood, it had started raining as soon as they had finished having breakfast. It was already cold in Wales that time of year; though their house was insulated, this was _exactly_ the kind of weather that made him want to curl up in front of the fireplace and read. Or fall asleep, as he had done more times than he could count in the library. 

"I can't believe it's _raining,_ " Sirius groaned, looking dismayed as he went to the window and glared at it as if he could make the rain recede with the force of his glare. "I wanted to make snowmen."

Four disbelieving sets of eyes landed on him. "What?" Sirius protested. "I've always wanted to know what it was like."

"You've never made snowmen before?" Remus's mother asked, looking surprised. Regulus opened his mouth, looking deeply uncomfortable and made as if he was about to interject before Remus threw him a cautioning look. He glared at Remus but didn't say anything, so he counted that as a win. 

"It doesn't really snow all that much in London," Sirius said cheerfully, and Remus marveled at the fact that Sirius could simultaneously be the most intuitive yet most _oblivious_ person he knew. "And when it did, our parents never let us make them. Didn't want us to act like children, I guess."

Remus had told his parents the bare minimum of what had happened with Sirius and his parents—he had left his parents to fill in the blanks. With the loaded look they exchanged, he realized that he _really_ hadn't given them enough details about how shitty the Black parents were. "Tell you what," his father said gently. "If we don't have any rain tomorrow, we can make all the snowmen you want, okay?"

Sirius blanched, finally realizing he had given too much away. Regulus looked resigned at the fact that Remus's parents _had_ to know about what their life was like, yet grateful for them, or as grateful as a sullen eighteen-year-old could be, anyway. "You don't really need to," Sirius managed, expression strangely vulnerable. Remus wanted to throw his arms around him and never let go. 

"We _want_ to," his mother said firmly. "In fact, do it as a favor to _us._ Please?"

"Okay," Sirius cracked a smile. Remus knew that out of the two siblings, Sirius had been the one who had minded missing childhood experiences the most; their parents hadn't been as physically abusive as they were neglectful, only acknowledging their children when they were in public or when they wanted something from them. Sirius and Regulus had always been shipped from boarding school to boarding school, never with enough time to make real, _actual_ friends, except for James. Remus knew his parents would never understand what it meant for Sirius when they allowed him to do this—something which he had always wanted ever since he was a child and had never got until today. Remus couldn't bear it any longer. He strode over and enveloped Sirius in a hug, feeling him stiffen against at the touch, then slowly relaxing. 

He could see his parents whisper something to Regulus, who nodded, before leaving, closing the door softly behind them. Then, it was only Remus, Sirius and Regulus left, Sirius clinging to Remus as if he was the only person in the world who could understand him. Remus motioned for Regulus to join them, which he begrudgingly did, though he relaxed as soon as his arms were around Sirius. Remus closed his eyes and drew Sirius closer, determined to think about plans of murder for their parents in another day. Preferably with James. He _was_ very creative. 

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, but which Remus only knew to be a few moments. Sirius moved away first, followed by Regulus, and finally by Remus. Sirius's smile was all gratitude and adoration, and Remus blushed. Regulus looked between them and snorted, back to being his usual self. "As I said, _disgusting,"_ he said. Glad to see at least _one_ Black brother wasn't acting out of character. 

"Shut _up,_ Reg," Sirius muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. Remus started; it was always a sight to see an embarrassed Sirius Black. Regulus threw up his hands in a placating gesture, his glee all too obvious. 

"Your Mum suggested you take us to the library, by the way," he added, and Remus could see the way both of their eyes—so startlingly gray that you had to do a double-take every time you saw them, at the sheer beauty of it—light up. No matter how hard they weren't alike, they were _way_ too alike for their own good, at the most disarming moments. 

Remus, when he had first met Sirius, had seen a storm in his eyes, threatening to come out. He hadn't realized it was also a storm you could get lost in if you looked long enough. 

"Right," Remus muttered, dragging himself back up to reality. "This way." He led the way to the staircase, laughing at how Regulus said: "Yeah, _obviously,_ " and Sirius's resultant conspiratorial laugh. 

They were both silent as Remus smugly showed them the library, however. It was situated at an unassuming part of the first floor, right before the door to the guest room was. "I _did_ wonder why there was such a big distance between the guest room and that room."

Remus threw open the door, smiling broadly at the smell of used, well-worn books that assaulted him as soon as he stepped inside, hundreds of books painstakingly gathered through birthday and Christmas gifts and pocket money. Eventually, his parents had added their books to it as well, and there were enough books in there that the shelves looked endless; almost like an _actual_ library. Sirius inhaled a quiet breath, and Remus turned to him, suddenly feeling nervous. "Do you like it?" he asked, unsure why his approval mattered so much to him. 

"Like it?" Sirius's voice was breathless. "I _love it._ " _What a nerd,_ Remus thought, belatedly realizing that he had broken his deal, after all. This new, vulnerable Sirius had done something to his heart, had made him see more of him than before, had made him realize there was more to Sirius than he knew. He had fallen in love all over again, and he hadn't even seen it coming. 

What was that Pride and Prejudice quote? _I was in the moment before I knew I_ had _begun._ And if he was quoting _Jane Austen—_ well. He was well and truly fucked. 

"Is that _the complete works of Oscar Wilde?_ " Sirius exclaimed delightedly. Regulus, meanwhile, had navigated to another bookshelf and was looking at the books with a slight smile on his face. Remus _had_ to smile at their enthusiasm, though it was softer, fonder when he looked at Sirius's. 

Looking at Sirius's pleased grin, sorting through his books to find more, one arm already filled with a stack of them, he couldn't help but let his fondness overcome him. 

He was well and truly _fucked._

But he couldn't bring himself to regret it. 

* * *

Remus's parents', all too soon, prevented him from being a lovesick idiot and staring at Sirius any longer than he already _had_ by their parents’ cry for them to join them for lunch, which resulted in a lot of grumbling from both Blacks. 

“We were thinking of putting up Christmas decorations today,” his mother commented, and Remus rolled his eyes, but didn’t comment. It had always been a _thing_ for them to put up decorations at the last possible moment, enough so that it’s become a tradition that they put them up on the 23rd. Sirius looked up, excited. Remus's mother laughed fondly at him. He eagerly helped them get down the decorations from the attic, becoming even _more_ excited when his mother offhandedly mentioned that Remus's dad was out to get a Christmas tree to put in the living room. 

Remus realized, with a pang, that this was probably the first time Sirius—and by extension, _Regulus—_ had ever been allowed to decorate anything, and vowed to make it a memorable experience for the both of them. He blinked as his mother turned on their speaker to the highest volume it could manage, practically belting out _let it snow._

"What?" she shrugged at his incredulous look. "I was just bringing some Christmas cheer, that's all."

Sirius, meanwhile, was hanging a long wreath along the railing while belting out the lyrics as if competing for who could be the loudest, uncaring of the fact that they were slowly getting tangled with his legs, and seemed like a recipe for imminent disaster. Remus and his mother exchanged an amused look before he went to untangle the wreath from his fake-boyfriend.

_"Let it snow, let it snow,"_ Sirius was humming as Remus approached him, a wide smile on his face. "Let it—Remus, what? Oh." 

"You're welcome," Remus chided gently, still untangling the wreath from Sirius which did _not_ look as if it was going to let go of Sirius's body any time soon. Sirius waited patiently—or as patiently as someone who was bouncing from impatience _could_ wait—until Remus had untangled the wreaths before he cheerfully said a: "What could I do without you?" that was too sincere, too gentle, to be a joke. 

"A lot of things, I imagine," Remus joked, looking anywhere _but_ at Sirius, acutely aware that he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all himself. 

"I mean it," Sirius whispered before a hand cupped Remus's face with no warning. Sirius held it like that for one, two, three seconds, before leaning in and kissing him. Remus's eyes closed involuntarily because this kiss was nothing like the first; the first had been slow, exploratory, while this one was more grateful, almost saying, _you mean the world to me_ , at least in Remus's part. Sirius smiled into it, and Remus couldn't help smiling back until they were both laughing and pulling away, Remus as slowly as he could. 

"We should probably _actually_ put up these wreaths," Sirius said, a mischievous twinkle still in his eyes. Remus smiled, agreeing. They stared at each other like that, for a moment, until they both flinched as someone cleared their throat, effectively ruining their moment. 

"If you two lovebirds could join us in _actual_ decorations," Remus's father said, voice sounding way too amused for Remus’s comfort. Remus flushed and leaped back, hitting his back against the railing, the sharp pain alerting him to how this was _really_ not how someone acted when you were presumably _together_ with the person you were _in love with._

Remus’s dad didn’t comment with anything other than a puzzled frown, shaking his head and throwing a smile up at them from his place at the bottom of the staircase. He turned around, throwing a, "I got a Christmas tree," over his shoulder as he did. Sirius didn't waste much time before hurriedly throwing the wreath over the railing and rushing to the living room, Remus following at a much slower pace. 

He tried hard to forget about his dad's contemplative look as he followed them both, wondering not for the first time, why he had ever thought this would be a good idea. He had never been good at acting, not when it came to his parents, anyway. 

(He knew _why,_ of course. He had thought—it didn't matter what he had thought.) 

When Remus finally made his way to the living room, taking twice as long as usual, it was to find both Blacks enthusiastically decorating the Christmas tree, while, unknowing to them, Remus's parents took pictures that Remus was sure was going to be featured in their stories for _many_ years to come. 

(Unless Remus fucked up this friendship permanently with his ill-timed feelings, a prospect which looked more and more likely every day.) 

"Remus!" Sirius cried, looking for all the world like an overexcited ten-year-old, the lights that were already twinkling brightly on the tree no match for Sirius's grin. And Remus's heart couldn't take this, really. After days of enduring Sirius's lingering touches, and meaningful glances that made him think they were a real couple for a moment, _this_ was what's going to take him out. Remus had always liked Sirius as _Sirius_ best; this wonderful man who wore his emotions too close to the surface sometimes or never showed them, otherwise, never an in between. "Come help decorate!"

"Do I really get a choice?" Remus asked, chuckling when Sirius unceremoniously threw a gold star decoration at him. _That was clearly a no, then,_ "okay then," he muttered crossing the room to where Sirius was, not noticing the way his parents exchanged a loaded look between them as he did. Sirius wrapped him briefly in a one-armed hug as soon as he came near, going back to decorating a second later. And Remus was only human. He couldn't resist kissing Sirius's cheek in response. Sirius's blush was high on his cheekbones as he threw his head back and laughed, and something about that made him think he hadn't made such a big mistake, after all. 

It was nearly midnight when they finally made their way towards Remus's room, giggling madly and exhausted in the best possible way. Remus, who was usually the one to keep the star on top of the Christmas, had graciously given up his duties and allowed Sirius and Regulus to choose between who should be the one to keep it, between them. Unsurprisingly, an argument had followed, and surprisingly, Regulus had won. Though looking at the seven foot tall tree and Regulus's scrawny frame reaching up, unsuccessfully, to place the star on its base, it wasn't hard to imagine why. Remus's father, amidst his laughter, had finally taken pity on Regulus and hoisted him up, amidst _his_ protests. 

They both sprawled on Remus's bed, making him remember the time they had done the same thing when they had first come to his room, Sirius curious, Remus resigned. Had it only been two days? Remus had been prepared to bet it was a lifetime ago. Both their laughter had abated into quiet smiles as they both looked up at the ceiling, revelling in the moment and each other's warmth. 

"Hey, Remus?" Sirius said, his voice still filled with the laughter of before, with something quiet added in, something that only Remus got to witness. 

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"You don't have to thank—"

"I mean it," Sirius said firmly, his left hand reaching for Remus's right and closing around it tightly. Then, almost as if sensing Remus's _but it would have been better if I didn't ask you to be my fake boyfriend,_ he added: "And whatever self-deprecating comment you're going to make… just save it, okay? You're one of my favorite people in the world, and nothing's going to change that." Sirius, no matter how well Remus knew him, always managed to surprise him. Only Sirius would drop earth-shattering revelations like _you're one of my favorite people in the world_ in the middle of the night like it was a fact of life. 

"Fine," Remus responded, trying to calm his beating heart, desperately hoping that Sirius wouldn't notice. Then, squeezing Sirius's hand a little tighter to get some courage, he added: "You know you're one of my favorite people too, right?" 

Sirius's sharp inhale said that no he hadn't known, not really. "Of _course_ I knew," he blustered. "Who else would it be?"

They both laughed at that. 

* * *

Remus woke up absurdly early the next morning, knowing that if you peeked through the curtains, the sun wouldn't even be up yet. Unlike the day before, _or_ the day before that, Sirius's body wasn't wrapped around him, instead burrowing himself under the covers and sleeping peacefully. Ironic, really, since they've slept wrapped up in each other's arms the night before. Remus groaned at the fact that he couldn't even make up an excuse to sleep some more; if he slipped away, he was sure Sirius wouldn't even _notice._ And besides, he knew that he _couldn't_ go back to sleep; he could feel the restless energy in his body that only caffeine could cure. He shrugged and stepped out of the bed, careful not to disturb Sirius, no matter his thoughts a few seconds ago, pressing a kiss to his cheek as Remus left to get some tea, still clad in his pyjamas. 

It was only when he was waiting for his kettle to boil that he realized exactly what he had done; he had grown so accustomed to Sirius, to being Sirius's—he didn't know _what_ he was to Sirius anymore, with his stupid, _stupid_ idea to be his fake-date—fake-boyfriend, that he had subconsiously begun to think it was somehow _real,_ that they had the sort of relationship where Remus could drop a kiss to his cheek ithout it being a surprise. He shook his head as he dropped a tea bag into his mug and poured the boiling water over it, hoping that the tea could somehow help him with the colossal mess he had made with his life. 

"Deep thoughts?" his father's voice asked from behind him, and Remus jumped involuntarily. He smiled, and turned around; his dad's cheerful presence always took his mind off of things he did not want to think about. 

"You could say that," he said, his smile almost disappearing as he saw the thoughtful frown on his dad's face as he leaned against the counter, an all too shrewd look on his face. Remus blanched as he set the tea down on the counter, almost spilling his tea in the process. His dad raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Easy there," he said. "I just want to talk, okay?"

"Isn't it too early for this?" Remus asked, feeling more like a petulant teenager than the twenty-year-old he clearly was. 

"I couldn't really think of a better time, unless you want Sirius overhearing this, which I really don't think you do."

Remus sighed, resigned. "Fine," he said, taking a huge gulp of his tea and preparing for the inevitable. 

"You really like Sirius, don't you?"

Remus choked on his tea. That was _not_ what he had expected his father's first words to be. He patted Remus on the back as the coughs subsided, sounding way too blase at the face of his son nearly _dying._ Wow, Remus really _did_ spend too much time around Sirius _._

"Of course I do," he tried, as soon as the coughs subsided. "He's my—"

"If you say boyfriend, I really hope you know you aren't going to fool me," his dad said dryly, prompting Remus to give an equally dry smile back. "I _had_ to try."

"That you did," his father said. "But _why?_ "

He didn't have to elaborate on what the _why was; why_ did Remus lie about having a boyfriend? Did he really think his parents would be disappointed in him not having a partner? Remus looked away, his face burning with guilt and shame. His dad didn't sound like he was disappointed, but this was somehow _worse—_ knowing that he did something wrong but that his parents didn't hold a grudge against it. 

"I don't know," he whispered, trying to gather his thoughts. His father waited patiently, drumming his hands against the counter as he did. "First, it was a way to get your approval, you know? I didn't want you to think I was as much of a loser as I felt when I knew I was eighteen and didn't have any friends."

"Remus—"

"Just let me continue, dad," he said more than asked, his clammy palms holding onto his mug like a lifeline. And as his dad nodded hesitantly, he continued: "And then, it wasn't so much me wanting to fool you guys as me fooling myself. I just thought that, if Sirius..."

"Saw you as something other than a friend, he would return your feelings?" his dad guessed, and Remus nodded, looking into the depths of his mug, too strong tea because he had forgotten to take the teabag out. "That sounds elaborate, even for you, Ri-ri."

"I was too scared, I guess," Remus said, not even objecting to his dad's use of his childhood nickname. 

His dad chuckled. "I can understand that." Before Remus could protest, he said: "You know me and your Mum were friends with each other before we first started dating, right?"

"How could I forget?" Remus groused. 

"The point is," he said. "I was friends with her _before_ we started dating, and knew her last relationship with Meg didn't really go well. I was scared that she wouldn't return my feelings—but more frightened about whether she wouldn't want to be my friend _entirely,_ after that. That was, until your mother told me to stop being an idiot and kissed me."

"Did you _really_ have to add that part?" Remus groaned, his lips twitching up at the corners despite himself. 

"How else would I make you embarrassed?" his father said, grinning, before he said: "The point isn't that the friend you're in love with is going to love you back—the point is that _confessing_ your feelings is better than not confessing at all and wondering what would have happened."

"And do you really think he won't return my... feelings?" Remus asked, feelings more and more like a teenager who wanted his parents' approval by the moment. He looked up from staring at his lukewarm tea when his dad laughed, long and hard.

"Remember what I said when you called us to say you were bringing Sirius as your boyfriend?" he said, cutting off whatever Remus was about to say. 

_The way that boy was looking at you the last time I saw you with him…_

Remus had thought about those words for a long time. Longer than he cared to admit. Seeing his expression, Erik Lupin said, "That expression was what gave it away, you know. That you two weren't _actually_ dating. It's the same way I used to look at your mother, long before we ever dated."

Oh. _oh._ "Do you really think..." he started, something like hope building 

"Think? I _know_ that boy's in love with you. The only question is, are you just going to take my word for it or take the leap?"

Remus mumbled smething unintelligible under his breath, still stuck on how _Sirius fucking Black_ might love him _back._ Seeing his dad's expectant glance on him, he said, softly, yet hesitantly: "I'm going to tell him."

"What was that?" his father raised an eyebrow, obviously hearing Remus's words, yet wanting Remus to repeat them. Remus glared, but said, louder this time: "I'm going to tell him."

"Tell whom, what?" his mother's voice asked from the doorway. She, too, was still clad in her nightgown, looking as if she had just woken up. Remus and his dad turned towards the sound, his dad's face delighted, Remus's resigned. He just knew there was going to be a _lot_ of teasing to follow after this. 

"I was just telling Ri-ri here to, you know… follow his heart," his dad said, a shit-eating grin on his face as he raised his hands to emphasize his point. Immediately, his mother's eyes dawned in comprehension, and this time, two sets of eyes were looking at him mischievously. 

"I think I'm just going to… leave..." he said, edging slowly away from the room, taking one last regretful glance at his cold, too strong tea, which his Mum, unfortunately, noticed. 

"But not before you've had some tea," she commented, and his parents, _honestly._ "And you might as well stay here, Sirius and Regulus are probably going to come downstairs in a bit, anyway."

Remus groaned. 

* * *

Sirius and Regulus finally appeared downstairs after an inordinate amount of teasing from _both_ his parents while they were cooking breakfast—which Remus was roped into—though Regulus appeared much later. 

Sirius stopped in the doorway, taking in the scene in front of him. “This doesn’t mean _I_ have to help, does it?” 

“Oh, pleeeease don’t ask him,” Remus begged, before his parents could respond. "The last time he tried to cook, he gave James, Regulus and me food poisoning."

"It wasn't _that bad,_ " Sirius said, while striding across the kitchen to wrap an arm Remus's hip, causing Remus to swallow audibly for a moment before relaxing. _I_ know _that boy's in love with you._

"If you say so," he replied automatically, not even knowing what he had responded to. 

"Such sarcasm! And from my boyfriend, too." Sirius exclaimed, and Remus was hit with a wave of exhaustion as he realized that he had to explain that his parents _knew_ they weren't anything other than friends, to Sirius. 

"About that..." he began, at the same moment that Hope Lupin looked outside the window and clapped her hands. "It looks like it's going to snow," she remarked, making Remus sigh gratefully at the change of subject. She winked at him, and he smiled back gratefully, glad about the interfering habits of his parents, for once. 

"Does that mean we can make snowmen?" Sirius asked, face filled with childish glee. 

"Of course it does," Remus confirmed, and Sirius _actually_ wrapped him up in a hug and lifted him off his feet this time, uncaring of the audience. "Put me down!" he laughed, not even sounding annoyed to his own ears. 

"Am I dreaming? Is this a weird, sleep deprived hallucination?" A dry voice asked, and really, was _everyone_ going to walk into their kitchen at the most inopportune moments?

"Afraid not, Regulus," his dad said, voice equally as dry. "We all had to witness the same thing you did."

Regulus shot a quick grin at him. "Nice pyjamas, Remus." Remus, still in Sirius's arms, cursed as he looked down and realized he was still in his pyjamas, and no one had commented. His very, _very_ bright pink pyjamas that had red roses and tiny yellow cows printed across it. Remus, as garish as they were, still liked it. 

" _I_ think they look good on him," Sirius declared loyally, setting Remus down, much to his disappointment. 

"Well, you _would,_ " Regulus said, making Sirius give an awkward cough. Wow, they were _really_ bad at this pretending to date thing. Now that he knew where to look for it, it was obvious; Sirius's lingering touches that spoke more of longing than affection, though it was mixed in there more than a bit. And _Remus's_ lingering glances that spoke of the same thing. 

He just—didn't know how to approach Sirius with this, this life-changing thing that could make or break them. He _knew_ this wasn't a unique experience, that everyone who was interested in _having someone_ went through this, but it felt precious to Remus all the same, an experience he wanted to hold on to and never let go in case it all came crashing down. 

His Mum cleared her throat. “So… about the snowmen…” 

“Snowmen?” Regulus asked eagerly, blushing when he saw everyone’s gaze directed at him, now. They all laughed, easy, comfortable, and Remus was afraid of disrupting _any_ of this with his feelings. 

Wasn’t it better if he didn’t say anything at all? But that wasn’t fair to either of them, not really. 

“Yeah,” he said, smiling. “It’s snowy enough for us to build them today.” 

Breakfast was a lively affair, all of them speaking over each other, his parents relaying every one of Remus's embarrassing stories that they could. Sirius, in particular, looked more than a bit gleeful at Remus's embarrassment. He didn't seem to have forgotten about them going outside when everyone had finished breakfast, looking as if he was five seconds away from sprinting outside before Remus's mother told him firmly that he could _not_ go outside without proper winter clothes. Regulus sniggered into his tea, causing Sirius to flip him off before he practically stormed upstairs to change, Remus following him more calmly. 

When Remus finally went to his room, it was to find Sirius shuffling furiously through his items in his suitcase to look for a winter cloak, scattering all his clothes on Remus's floor. He resisted the urge to sigh, merely grabbing his clothes—that were arranged _neatly_ in his _wardrobe—_ and disappearing to the adjoining bathroom to take a shower and change. Sirius was _still_ frantically searching through his suitcase when Remus reappeared, unable to find his cloak in his apparently bottomless suitcase. Remus took a moment to admire his broad shoulders—visible even through the garish t-shirt he was wearing—trying not to sigh audibly. Sirius finally gave up searching as a lost cause, and slumped against the bed, resting his head against the foot of the bed in what was surely an awkward position, and closing his eyes. 

"This is _it,_ Remus," Sirius said. Remus jumped; he did _not_ think Sirius had noticed his arrival, but he had the uncanny ability to do it sometimes, almost like a dog. "I'm never going to build snowmen, and will only watch _you_ build snowmen while longing from afar."

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic," Remus said, resisting the urge to laugh. "Do you _really_ think I don't have any extra cloaks? I think I have my dad's here somewhere; it was even big on him, so I _think_ it would fit."

"Really?" Sirius looked hopeful, and really, who was Remus to dash that hope away?

"Really," he confirmed, going to his wardrobe once again, making a pleased hum from the back of his throat as he found his father's too-large cloak hanging at the back. He drew it out and passed it to Sirius, who looked delighted. "I think he got it as a gift for Christmas or something, but someone _obviously_ overestimated his size. By a huge margin, actually. He gave it to me hoping that I'll get a growth spurt or something, but… well."

Sirius sniggered as he threw the cloak around himself, and Remus forgot to breathe for a moment. The cloak was black and hugged his frame perfectly, all sharp curves and angles that Remus wanted to rip off, piece by piece. 

"What?" Sirius asked, looking up and finally catching Remus's expression. "Is it really that bad?"

Remus cleared his throat, mouth suddenly dry. "It's not bad actually," he managed. "I think it looks… good."

"No need to sound so enthusiastic," Sirius grumbled, obviously thinking Remus's words were sarcastic. 

"I wasn't—"

But Sirius was already shrugging on his boots, the conversation forgotten, though he looked as if he held a grudge against _those_ boots in particular. “You should put yours on too,” Sirius said, resolutely not looking at Remus. Remus shrugged, and went to find his boots, missing the look that crossed Sirius's face as he, too, put on his cloak. 

Suddenly, Remus desperately didn’t want to leave his room, where he would have to face everything, face the fact that his feelings were written across his face for everyone to see, face the fact that he’ll have to _tell_ Sirius what he was feeling. 

Remus took a deep breath. Maybe he should tell Sirius now—if not about his feelings, then at least about how his parents _knew—_

“Sirius! Remus! Are you coming or not?” 

Remus decided to leave that for another day. 

(Though he knew if he didn’t say anything today or in the next few days he was going to be at home, he knew he never would. _Home_ was _here;_ he _couldn’t_ tell Sirius anywhere except here.) 

(Was that the truth, or merely cowardice? Remus thought he knew the answer.)

* * *

“Hey!” Remus protested, just before a snowball landed on his face courtesy of Sirius. 

"What was it, Remus?" Sirius said, and his grin was infectious. Remus felt himself smile back, unable to do anything else. Although: "Oh, it is _on,_ " he muttered, scooping up some snow to lob at Sirius. Regulus, who had begged off after one too many snowballs, was watching them both from the sidelines, with an indulgent smile on his face absently dragging his feet through the sand to make a rainbow. His parents, meanwhile, were nowhere to be seen; they had never been the people to play around in the snow, though his dad had always made time to make snowmen with him when he was a child. 

Remus scooped up another snowball and threw it at Sirius, smirking as it landed directly on his chest, nearly knocking him off his feet. Sirius, ignoring all the impromptu rules they made up, barreled towards him, taking Remus by surprise and _actually_ knocking him off his feet. 

When he landed on the hard, cold ground, he realized two things: one, Sirius was on top of him, and two, _Sirius_ was _on top of him._ They really needed to think things through before doing them; Remus asking Sirius to be his fake-date had been a case on point. 

But the only thing that Remus could think about when looking at Sirius, eyes wide, was, _you're beautiful._ And Sirius was: from his pale skin gone pink with the cold, to his angular face that looked like it was painted by some artist who thought a bit too well about what their painting contained, who, instead of painting, had fallen in _love_ with the one they were painting. Remus felt his gaze shift to Sirius's lips, and felt like kissing him, for a moment. But before he could do anything, Sirius was leaping off Remus as if burnt, leaving Remus to look after him with a lost expression on his face, freezing cold and lying on the dirt. 

"You're an idiot," Regulus said flatly to Remus, sparing one last glance at Remus before running after Sirius, apparently understanding what had caused Sirius's sudden change in mood. 

Remus did not, for once, understand what had happened. 

(After what felt like hours later—but which was probably a couple of minutes—Remus trudged back to the house, giving Regulus and Sirius enough privacy for a conversation they clearly wanted to have. 

He _did_ catch the tail end of it though. Regulus furiously hissing something that sounded like a _you need to…_ but clammed up when he saw Remus approaching.

Remus really shouldn't feel so guilty about the fact that they'd decided to have all their private conversations at the bottom of the staircase than at Regulus's room.) 

"You want to talk about it?" Remus asked _much_ later, after his dad had made hot chocolate for them all they were curled up on the sofa in the living room, his parents taking the loveseat, and Regulus taking the comforter, as usual. Sirius, after a moment of hesitation that had left Remus feeling more hurt than he cared to admit, had shrugged and sat next to him, albeit as far away from him as possible. 

That one had _hurt._ But Sirius, after taking one look at Remus's face, softened, and bumped his shoulder against Remus's. "Sorry," he muttered, and seemed to mean it. 

Remus knew he had made a mistake by the way Sirius stiffened. "No," he replied shortly, though, thankfully, he only closed his eyes, and didn't leave. Remus felt the urge to close his eyes too; playing in the snow like little kids had taken more out of him than he had thought. He closed his eyes, only intending to do so for a second, _That's Christmas to Me_ playing softly over the speakers. 

When he finally opened his eyes, he knew at once that it wasn't evening any longer, both for how the other seats were deserted, and for how Sirius was staring at him, a thoughtful look on his face, his earlier ire forgotten, replaced with something softer. 

He blinked, slowly, but Sirius still didn't look away, gray eyes filled with something indistinguishable, only more so by the sparse lighting of the Christmas tree. Something about that expression made Remus feel wide-awake, more awake than he'd ever felt before in his life, knowing this moment was important, yet not knowing why. 

Sirius chewed on his lip, and Remus couldn't help the way his eyes tracked the movement. Sirius, if he noticed, didn't comment. "You wanted to know what I got so miffed about, didn't you?"

Remus nodded, afraid that him saying something would ruin whatever Sirius was about to say. Sirius was quiet for one long, endless moment. 

"Sirius, I—"

"I just—I just felt—"

They both looked at each other and laughed softly. "You first," Remus said, figuring he owed Sirius that much, at _least._

"I'm just—this whole fake-dating thing. I thought it would be something fun to do—it wasn't like I would let my feelings get the better of me, right?" Sirius said, voice raw. Remus held his breath, hopeful and expectant all at once. "I knew I was in love with you—"

 _"You_ are in love with me?" Remus asked incredulously. _He still looks at you the same way._

"Of course I'm in love with you, you absolute _idiot,"_ Sirius said, though the _idiot_ sounded more fond than it had any right to be. "'Have been for _ages._ James told me to tell you, but, we were already friends then, and I didn't really want to fuck anything up."

"I thought it was just a crush the first time I met you, you know," Remus said, and it was Sirius's turn to look hopeful, this time. "I didn't think I'd end up falling in love with you."

"You mean… all this time?" Sirius breathed, reaching out with one hand to cup Remus's cheek, both of them equally vulnerable and painfully honest. Remus didn't pull away, and maybe, if this worked out, he wouldn't ever have to pull away at all. 

"All this time," Remus confirmed, allowing himself to smile, tentatively. "I was just… afraid to tell you how I felt. I thought—I don't know, that fake-dating might end up with us _actually_ dating."

Sirius smiled, a wide, crooked one that lit up his face, and before he knew it, Remus was being drawn down for a kiss, nearly rendering him off balance as Sirius brought Remus's mouth closer to his. _This_ one, _this one_ was honest, and only for themselves, slow and patient and them coming home. Remus pulled away first, but he took his time, this time, leaning his forehead against Sirius's, telling, _this is forever, or as forever as you want it to be._

"We're such idiots," Sirius said, sounding awed by their own idiocy. Then, horrified: "James was _right."_

Remus laughed against Sirius's forehead, unable to do anything else, now. "That he was. That we _are."_ In the distance, a bell rang, the Church bell announcing it was midnight only causing his smile to widen. "Happy Christmas, Siri." 

"Happy Christmas, Moony," Sirius whispered back. 

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave a comment and/or kudos!
> 
> follow me on [tumblr!](https://a-sentimental-man.tumblr.com/)


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